husband leaving me, please advise
 

Do skip my post if you are not interested but please do not flame me. I am just a desperate woman with nowhere to turn to.

I have been reading some threads from this forum and have been touched by the sincerity of some brothers here and how they offer their help and advice unconditionally. I do not want to go to some cosy forum of weepy women who talk about women's rights. I need advice from the more "mature" crowd who may have gone through my situation and can give me proper advice, from a male perspective, no matter how much pain it might cause me.

Pardon me if this is lengthy but I believe that a full picture is required before any advice can be given.

Me (39) and husband (41) do have our share of ups and downs, having struggled with a 5 yo son. But things have been better now because son is older and less dependent on us. We hardly have any disagreement cos he is always busy at work and I try not to waste our precious time together fighting over trivial issues.

He started his cold treatment towards me for almost 18 months. I believed him when he said it was because of work as he still was the responsible father and husband although he minimised physical contact with me. Sex was at best twice a month and the last time we did it was 2 months ago. I am not an unattractive woman. I jog and work out regularly and have been accosted by men in the gym.

I have tried to talk to him about the cold treatment but he denied problems. Just told me not to think too much. 6 months ago, he finally told me he doesnt feel the same anymore, but denied that there was anybody else. He said he was staying on because of our son. Despite the hurt, I continued to try to make it work. Put up with his cold shoulder, tried to spend more time with him etc. Our relationship had been cordial, share jokes, have meals together, go out as a family etc.

He finally came clean today. He has been sleeping with a colleague for almost a year now. She is also married, with a young child, has no problem with her husband. He told me that I have been a good mother and wife and there was no push factor for his affair. He said they were compatible as they have the same character. He does not expect to marry her but decided to come clean as he is tired of hiding and lying.

I cried but did not lose my composure. Maybe his months of indifference has prepared me for this. I calmly sat down with him and offered him 2 alternatives:

1. split up with her, and we go for counselling. I know I need help to get over this betrayal as much as he needs help to overcome this.

2. he move out, we file for divorce.

He cried with me but told me that it was too late. He told me that even if I have him physically, I cant have his heart cos even though he still cared, he doesnt love me anymore.

My world fell apart.

I still love him, despite everything and am willing to forgive and move on. I also do not want to hurt my son with any selfish action on my part. However, the other half of me told me to let him go and that I deserve better than a dysfunctional family like this.

The strange thing is, after the emotional discussion about arrangements (he will find a place and move out within 2 weeks) we hugged and cried together. I told him to indulge me just this once and he actually made effort to hold my hand and my waist when we went for dinner together.

I am lost. As he lay there sleeping soundly next to me (no we did not have sex prior to that) I tossed and turned. I cant sleep. I cant let him go. I know deep inside his mind, he still cared for me and for the family. He is just clouded by this unattainable love. I am even contemplating taking him back and wait out his affair.

What should I do?

I am really sorry that this post is so long. So sorry but I really need advice.

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

Hi , I have read thru about your problem. I hoped that my opinion can show some lighr to you.

1. Your husband had commited the mistake no matter how he cared for you and the family is rubbish. If he really cared why he commit the mistake.

2. It is true having him physically is useless. Why keep him ? He been with his colleague for 1 year plus than he start to feel tired of lying and hiding. Obviously, he enjoyed lying and hiding. This mean he had delibrate intention of cheating and splitting the family.

3. Having such a husband is already a torture. Do u want to keep him and let your son learn from him. You might think that your child does not know but child might already discovered before your husband confessed.

I will recommend you to end this relationship and channel your strength to bring up ypur child rather than staying with such a unfaithful man . I hope my opinion and advice can help u in a way . God bless u .

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

my personal opinion as a samster... if this is his first affair then he'll be very confused and feeling guilty now... try not to push him into a decision by offering fixed alternatives like the above. instead, stay together first and work it out since both of you obviously still care for each other and your son... i think you should wait out his affair. it should not last long since she is happily married anyway... i dont believe in rushing things. you can decide to divorce later if this marriage cannot be worked out. all the best ;)

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

Thanks putra80. I agree, it is a personal matter. I wish it were not. If only there were clear cut steps to take when such things happen. Thanks for the links. I was too busy googling "divorce recovery" :( Really appreciate your taking time out to search for the links and read them up. Thank you.

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

hello block11. You are right, he is feeling guilty now. Kept apologising to me and told me that he felt bad putting me through this. He is a good man. I am not sure if he is confused as he seems to be sure about what he is doing. He has even started viewing units. I wondered if he is just trying to get out of being married and she was a good reason since he doesnt intend to marry her anyway. He told me that instead of immediate divorce, maybe we should look at a 3 year annulment, maybe things will improve...but he put in a disclaimer that dont read too much into it. Things arent going smooth at workfront for me. He knew before the showdown. Was actually thinking of using this or the fact that son is still young as an excuse to hold him back and wait it out. Dont really know. But thanks for offering your advice. Thanks.

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

My wife and I have had various ups and downs during our 15 years of marriage. My wife is a beautiful, tall and shapely blonde who is a very good mother and wife. Her family may not have been supportive of her marrying a Singaporean born Chinese, but with love, she has delivered four lovely children. However, our arguments usually pertain to her side of the family. We have been faithful, and my wife trusts me 100%.

I sympathize your difficult situation, and may I suggest that you and your husband seek counselling, do not force the issue of your husband moving out, and be patient.

I pray and hope that your situation will turn positive.

Set our hearts on fire with love for You, O Christ our God, that in its flame we may love You with all our heart, with all our mind, with all our soul and with all our strength, and our neighbours as ourselves, so that, keeping Your commandments, we may glorify You, the Giver of all good gifts.
We pray that You will intercede and counsel [adviseme] and her husband, as well as the other lady, reconcile them with their respective spouses, and strengthen them. Lord, have mercy. Amen.

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

Hello, lady... let me give u precious advice.. i will go straight to the point... i may be young, 27 but i am not stupid.

You need to understand love... there is no guarantee in the first place the both of your love initially will sustain after the day you all fall in love and get married, although they are at two time period. Falling out of love or marriage, espeically in 21st century is quite normal, despite majority fear of it. Ok, understood?

Its normal for you to fear and feel sad over such things because of your belief system. Let me assure you this... there is nothing to be ashamed and scared about being divorcee. You can ignore all the 'aunties' and kapoh people talk about your stuff... its really nothing

For you children or child, you do not have to be afraid also. As long as you take time to communicate with him and tell him that its normal that people, his/her parents in this case, which is you and your husband, come and seperate. A child will be scared and fearful because he lived in a world where "daddy and mummy" are supposed to be together. If not, there is no sense of safety in his life.. Such is the naive thinking of children, but 'what to do'. Hence, you yourself has to know this truth so that you can educate your children about these and hence truly help them over their emotions.

They will in turn, with correct learning, become better people. So dun worry also. Lastly, i wish you good luck. Really, my reasoning is correct one.

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

Dear AdviseMe!

I have been in your situation before. I have been naughty. The grass is always greener over the other side of the fence. Emotion situation is very difficult to manage. I thought I lost that loving feeling with my partner, but like all things, it can be found back. Hang on to it! cheers!:D

Mike In The Hole

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

Hi, I will offer my 2 cents

I am sorry to hear of your situation but after reading through you post, I think you can work it out. The first thing to do is NOT to have him move out, because that will be the start of ending the relationship with you.

Make time for family, as you do want your son to have a family environment to grow up in. I also feel, his affair is like "comfort food". They work together and understand each other in work and stress and pressure and so end up comforting each other. When the situation continues they become more familiar with each other and the relationship grows.

You also need to make time for each other TOGETHER. Try to take one day a week to be with each other only, whether it is just going out for dinner (just 2 of you only) or doing some activity together. Tell him if he feels the responsibility to have a good family environment for your son, he will need to be able to have the relationship with you too, as the child grow, he /she will see if there is tension or friction and the once a week togetherness will help to make you both comfortable with each other.

Also this will allow both of you to re-discover each other but take your time and don't rush it, over time you both will discover if you will be better together or apart, but do give yourself enough time to get to know each other once again as persons, individuals and at the end, if anything, you will at the very least have a new good friend or re-build your relationship with each other and may even be stronger.

I am no angel, but I did admit straying a long time ago and my wife had wanted to split but I did not want to and we worked it out and have stayed together for a very long time now. I do love my wife, and as I said, I am no angel, so I try not to get entangled in relationships as it is more difficult when the heart and mind is involved.

I am sorry for this long note, but I just thought I would like to offer my 2 cents and hope this can help you.

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

when both parties live under one roof over years, either one or both parties will tend to take each other 4 granted and gradually that special feeling is lost. i believe the reason y he choose to see another married woman is to regain that special feeling without having to bear the responsibility and commitment that comes with it. it will be good to go 4 marriage counselling and seek their advice b4 it gets complicated.

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

When I first read your thread this morning, I had wanted to post you a reply as I had shared the same emotions as your hushand ... but no third-party relationship involved. I was last intimate with my wife 7 years ago when my son was conceived. Despite the lack of interest for intimacy, I believed I am still a good father and husband. Hence, in a way I know how you could win him back .... that is provided you want to.

Many bros had since replied you and in way they have said all that I had wanted to say. I summarised below the points that I agree and disagree with.

I totally agree with bro bg102 that "The first thing to do is NOT to have him move out, because that will be the start of ending the relationship with you."

Also agreed with bro block11 that "if this is his first affair then he'll be very confused and feeling guilty now... try not to push him into a decision by offering fixed alternatives like the above. instead, stay together first and work it out ... i think you should wait out his affair. it should not last long since she is happily married anyway... i dont believe in rushing things. you can decide to divorce later if this marriage cannot be worked out."

I do not agree with bro Ryke when he said:

1. ...If he really cared why he commit the mistake.
2. It is true having him physically is useless. Why keep him ?
3. Having such a husband is already a torture.
I will recommend you to end this relationship"
for that is more of a clinical and logical mind thinking of an uninvolved outsider.

bro tartar26 is correct in stating that "there is nothing to be ashamed and scared about being divorcee." BUT then he also added that "A child will be scared and fearful because he lived in a world where "daddy and mummy" are supposed to be together. If not, there is no sense of safety in his life."

Hence, your best bet is DO NOTHING, DON"T CHASE HIM OUT. One possible strategy is that instead of reacting by being angry and offensive, try using reverse psychology. Show him that though hurt and suffering, you continue to be the sweet, loving, caring, understanding and dutiful wife and mother still. All men (no matter how incorrigible) can appreciate a good, gentle and caring wife no matter how far he strayed. He will eventually come back to you and you should forgive him (even now). As bro block11 said ... i think you should wait out his affair. it should not last long since she is happily married anyway...

My aunt used this approach and it works. She used to be very fierce and domineering until she found out my uncle was having an affair with her best friend. She changed 180 degrees and in the end they remained together till their final days. Hope this helps. Just DON'T DO ANYTHING RASH.

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

Imho, when a man is gungho enough to choose divorce, that could only mean he’s either desperate enough to get out of the marriage or he’s too ashamed to face his family.

Ts, based on what you have said, your husband might be very confused rite now. There’s simply no reason to move away from a forgiving wife(That is if you actually put it plainly across that your willing to forgive him, guys at this point can’t understand hints no matter how clearly it has been made) and headed towards loneliness. Unless if the other women is leaving her family as well. But you also mention he cares about you still and guess that means something. No one will care about another without emotional attachment, i.e. do you actually care how many puppies does your neighbour’ dog gave birth to?

Do you really want him to be wif you for the rest of your life when you already know everything? Instinct are inborn unfortunately, like a cat who will always kill its prey at any given chance

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

Your husband is confused at best. That usually happens with a couple neglects one another, submitting to the norms that you both have been conditioned too, for convenience sake. Both parties are to be blamed for it.

I've personally dated 2 40yr old ladies (my age is round 3/4) of it, and one thing's for sure, their situation was more or less the same: husband lost interest, divorcing. They're really fine ladies nonetheless, with looks that could pass off as 28yr olds etc.

Anyways, to skip to the point, you're wise to seek advice fr the opp sex, as females, they tend side their own, willy nilly, right or wrong, they will point the finger at the males. What you need is to relight the flame. Breakout from the norms. Obviously the 3rd party (mistress) had poisoned him. Guys are suckers for temptresses. It's natural, like it or not.

Right now, he probably feels a sense of belonging in her, as she feeds his ego and needs. Classic case. However, you've a kid with him, as well as a wedding ring to boot. To rekindle the nostalgia you must first make a change. Be the person, he used to know, when he fell for you. Ask yourself, what was the last praise he'd complimented you? You personality? thoughtfullness? etc... work on that. Bring out things you both used to do, you both love.

For me I'd play a self composed song on the piano and the gal would fall for me all over again. But thats another story haha (I'm not too good with ladies anyway). Again, make him feel as part of the family, as one, a wife, a kid and him. He'd already played part of his role by supporting the family, responsibility is already impeded in him. Give him the other half.

It's all up to you, it's worth a shot. Go for it.

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

A marriage will only works if BOTH PARTIES wants it to. Appearently you had wanted it to work, but your husband doesn't. So I guess the only way out is to walk away from it.

Quote:

"He cried with me but told me that it was too late. He told me that even if I have him physically, I cant have his heart cos even though he still cared, he doesnt love me anymore."

You'll get through it.
This is not an affair or a ONS or cheating spouse that got caught that still wants the marriage to work. This is someone who had no "heart" in the marriage anymore. No point wasting both time over it. Walk away.

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

dear sis adviseme,

based on the situation i have just read in your post, i can only say that a marriage will work out if 2 parties are remain faithful to each other. It has been said, that it takes 2 hands to clap, this is especially so in a marriage.

Since your hubby couldn't resist the temptation and decided to be involved with his colleague, and kept things from you shows that he feels guilty.

What I can advice you sis, you have to be strong and move on, cos you need to support your kid, and prepare yourself for the unavoidable D word: Divorce...

No point clinging on to a marriage when one party did such a thing to u emotionally....

Hope everything works out for u sis and take care... :)

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

I understand the hell and confusion you are currently going through...although not the pain as I'm not in your shoes.

I have female friends sharing the same shit with me and my shirt have been soaked wet with their tears and pain. One of them even committed suicide...and succeeded after the third try.

I realized talking and counselling have little impact if you do not change your mindset. Hoping for him to change is useless as you will be pinning your hopes and future on someone...that's unrealiable and it is a waiting game that can last forever. Even if he does change...it doesn't mean he will be faithful again in the future.

Tune your mindset, make yourself strong...you have to...you got no choice. Be indifferent...learn to think like a bastard and be numb to emotions and void of feelings. Happy and sad are mirrors of each other. You will take a long time to recover, but when you do, you will be strong I swear to you. You have to treat him like a friend, no longer your husband. You like his presence, going for dates, dinner and lying side by side on the bed. But that's about it...don't expect anymore than that. He is now just a good friend. Open up your horizons, meet new people. It takes someone to fill up the emptiness within you. Only love can fill up this void.

To summarize, treat his presence at home as though nothing happened and continue to live life as per normal since he has already been cold towards you. Divorce, annulment, separation make no difference as his heart is no longer there. At this moment, seek someone else suitable who can truly care for you and make you feel like a woman and lover again.

All the best.

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

Hi sis,

I was in the same shoe as ur hubby b4 and will know from experience what ur hubby is going through .


Having a 10 yr marriage does not mean u truly understand ur hubby . I was married for 10 yrs and a girl whom i cohabited for 2 years understand me more than my 10 yr marriage wife . My GF knows my likes/problems/favorites more than my 10 yr wife . It's called understanding . For your 10 yr marriage do you really know wat ur hubbys' favourite food/color/underwear/cloth sense? And does ur hubby knows urs too ??


Try to understand ur hubby more and share his problems .
Ask him wat is the attraction from the other party that u are short off .
Tell him u willing to change for him and will pay more attention to him .

Get to know the problems that lies in you and strive to improve . U might think i'm blaming you but try to think of the issues with you which prompted him to seek solace elsewhere . Is it u are too demanding/controlling or u totally do not understand him at all with ur 10 yr marriage ??

All the best trying to salvage the situation .

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

hi adviseme, i sent a pm to you giving you some advice. All the best.

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

I agree with bro oubboss. My female friends whom, many are in the same situation tells me, she doesn't even know their husbands of 10+years well until now (as they divorce). Most of them went through the divorce, so be prepared for it. But also, at least give it a last shot, before you let everything go. Being a single mom, with a growing kid, isn't healthy, and many men out there just wants to toy with single ladies, in general.
Get to know him one last time.

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

I will advise hang on to your marriage for some of the reasons stated below.

1)He is still a caring father to his son even though he may have strayed.He is not abusive towards you even though he may say he doesnt love you anymore.There are worse kind of husbands/fathers out there.

2)His betrayal of your trust maybe a blip in his life at this moment.Just that the other party feels more fresh to him now and he can indulged in her without having any obligations so it kind of thrilling for him.

3)Like some say,he maybe confused now but given time family will be more important to him once the novelty of the affair wears out and the other party starts to give him problems and complications.

4)Ultimately,it is still your choice whether to forgive him for his betrayal and willing to give him time to look back.
i)If yes,just act normal and sort of a cooling period for both of you.Do not pressure him.Lead your own life.Show your cheerful side instead of brooding.Have your own activity.Dress well and go for outings with your friends.Show to him you are also desirable in others eyes.That should shook him up abit.
ii)If you were to decide to leave this marriage.Think carefully of the consequences of single parenthood.It no joke bringing up the kid alone without either 1 of the parent.People may say it nothing but it never easy for those who are really single parent to look after and educate the kid alone when he/she need to work also.Time will be so much lesser to spend with the kid.

If you can come into this forum where the majority are guys,then you should know most guys are unfaithful to their spouses.We come in here hoping to score maybe free pussies,look for paid pussies,ask for advises to score ons etc.If you can accept all these faults in a guy,the most important traits still will be if your hubby is still caring and responsible towards the family.

Maybe my advise is silly and useless but try to think things through before arriving in any decision which will affect the 3 of you ultimately later in life.

:)

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

maybe u can do the same? find a guy and have frequent sexual relatoinship with him but do not commit any love relation with him. Like that you satisfied your sexual urge while not losing your husband and family. More better if your partner is a young guy(<30 etc).

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

Hi TS,

Said - said - said: I remember when we used to sit
In the government yard in trenchtown,
Oba - obaserving the ypocrites
As they would mingle with the good people we meet.
Good friends we have, oh, good friends weve lost
Along the way.
In this great future, you cant forget your past;
So dry your tears, I seh.

No, woman, no cry; -Bob Marley

Actually, your HB is just another simple minded cheongster that took the FB business too far. Looking at the brighter side, at least he's not hitting you or even brought something back from his 'exploits' (STD and others). Instead of taking everything on yourself, I would suggest both of you go to one of those marriage councellors for a chat.

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

A man and for that matter any woman has capacity in her heart to love more than one person. It need not be exclusive.

Take for example yourself. You love your son, your husband, your parents and siblings...perhaps another man friend or colleague if you will just allow your heart to accept a substitute....

Your husband may be feeling very guilty now... it is natural for him to feel he had betrayed you and not sure if you will forgive him. He may feel he is no more romantically in love with you...thus his desire to divorce.

Let be frank and realistic. In a relationship the 'love curve' is U-shaped. At the start of the romance during courting days, 'love' is very strong, right at the top of the U and years go by ... marriage ... parenthood ... career... the love curve descends ... and as children grows up ... career coming to an end ... retirement ... old age ... the couple will depend more on each other again and love matures (sex will be less if not involved at all).

Since you could both still talk to each other rationally without emotions getting the better the better of the situation... ask him to think about these situations...

Does his office lover wants a divorce with her husband and marry him? What can she offer him that you can't? Are they both prepared to wait all those years for the divorce to come thru and at the end of it still be in love and want to marry... will not her husband create trouble for them?

Can he afford to maintain 2 families? Yours... because he will have to pay maintenance for you and your son (what if you don't want custody so that you will be more free to find your own new love) and for his new wife and her entourage (her children).

What guarantee does he have that his fickle heart will not change again... having stolen sex in the office can be fun and very exciting but it is totally a different cookie where he has to wake up in the morning with her un-madeup face... sloppy habits ... noisy children of another man... Bet you love will quickly fly out of the window!

Ask him to consider in his old age when he is sickly and lonely... will he not miss a caring wife, his family, ie son and grandchildren...

If you do love him still give him time to ponder all the above...show him the true diamond that you are that he had forgotten to appreciate distracted by his lust for easy sex in the office.

Of course a third party counselor may help to talk sense into him...it will take time and patience. But if he is worth keeping then it is worth the trouble.

Hope it helps and take care. Shit often happens to the nicest people!

yang punk

PS: Tried to pm you but my msg was too long...broke it up into 3 parts but only pt 1 and 2 got thru before your msg box overflowed. This is pt 3. So read the other 2 parts first to make more sense out of this.

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

忍一时, 风平浪静. 退一步, 海阔天空. That's the philosophy that I live by when I'm with my hubby.
I can't offer much advice cos my r/s with hubby not that ideal either but I do know from your posts is that you had repeatedly told him that u are still willing to take him back so at this point in time, the ball is in his court. It's up to him to decide now. As what some other bros had mentioned here, lead your own life & don't use the guilt factor to pressurise him. Hope in time to come, he'll come to his senses.
Take care!

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

There are many types of advice given by brothers here.
Some may look very extreme.
To hang on is extreme on one end of the spectrum, while going straight for divorce is the other extreme end.
I have seen too many, done too much.
Probably, in most cases, things are not salvageable.
Be realistic, at all times love yourself first, and only first, so build your own life in whatever you may decide.

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

Hi TS...best is to think of ur kid...both u and ur hubby should go for counselling...try to reconcile as de one tat will be most hurt is not u nor ur hubby but ur kid...Have faith and turn to God for help...I'm sure God will listen and help if u juz sincerely turn to Him...God bless :)

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

Some of you give really bad advice.

---

To adviseme:

The key here is to understand why your husband strayed. No one goes into a marriage thinking that in the years to come, they will stray. A multiude of reasons and events must have happened for your husband to stray. The fact that he came clean with you shows that he still cares for you, albeit in a manner that rests more on the fact that it is a commitment, and not a form of passion.

Passion is the key to the longivity of any happy relationship. Forget what all the trashy magazines and books tell you that commitment, trust, blah blah blah are more important in the long run; they are wrong. While commitment and continous romance are important, passion is as important, if not more so, than the other two. For a successful relationship and marriage, you must keep all three burning. This is why most marriages do not sustain, because the most important element dies off first, followed by romance, and commitment is usually the only thread holding it together. Most of the time, it is never enough. If you are very sexually compatible from the start, chances are you will end up together with your significant other for a long time.

Just look at the dozens of men who post their sob stories in this subforum: The passion has died off in each case. Without the fiery power of passion, romance and commitment are nothing, or at best, inadequate.

Sit down with your husband, hold his hands, and talk to him. Tell him that you're not there to judge him. Tell him that you want to hear his soul speak to him. Communicate and ask him why did he stray. Don't judge; listen instead. Open your soul to him and he will open his to yours. Implore him to tell you what he feels. Tell him that you still love him, not because of the commitment of the institution of marriage, but because you still feel a bond deeper than that which draws you to him, namely the element of passion. Above all, find the fire between the two of you again; find what made you develop that bond with him in the first place. Channel that passion into your feelings for him, and let him feel you.

I wish you all the best.

Re: husband leaving me, please advise
 

Totally agree with u on 'passion' but unfortunately, it's hard to rekindle & keep lighted. I for one, want to know where to find that 'long-lost passion'.... Now, for me, passion is only a vocabulary that belongs in the romance novels. :o