[moonlove]

Stepping into the virtual sex world

At 17, there was alot i had to deal with.
Something major happened at home and all of a sudden I had all the freedom in the world. There was suddenly no one to bother about what time i stopped using the computer, or no one to look at what im doing.

Of course at that time, there was no whatsapp or line or wechat, not even smartphone.
But there was irc, and skype.
I could still remember the IRC channels such as #sex or #cybersex . and back den it wasnt sext.. people simply go "dirty chat?" or start a /me roleplay etc. (i think some people here shod remember all that...

after leaving him, i literally spend all my days in front of the computer. on irc. (back den it was so difficult to even send a photo, or take a photo cuz my camera phone was nokia 7250. and we had to mms to some email or whatever den open... troublesome.)

i got addicted to irc. to dirty chats. to things like roleplay.
i never got about to meeting anyone from irc. probably part of me was still in control. or probably my self confidence was too low for me to do so. i dont remember.
but i was addicted to using a different nick everyday, chatting dirty with different strangers, roleplaying with different strangers. it wasnt exactly erotic but it kept my mind off thinking about him and the failed relationship.

but at the same time the things that people talk about, it was like one after another lesson learnt.
everyone in one way or another seems to have some dark fetish.
some people loves incest roleplay, some have rape fantasies.
sometimes i even wonder if any of those i roleplayed with is actually H. but in the virtual world, there was no way i could find out anything. just as those people would never find out who am i.

i could be wearing my oversize tee yet telling someone im wearing nothing.
i could behave like a slut with my words.
i could use degrading words such as describing how i love to be treated rough like a slut or how im a good bitch.
afterall, its just words. and it made someone on the other side of the screen happy. it doesnt matter who i am or what i do, or if i am happy.


i was literally entertaining everyone. but yet sexually i wasnt feeling anything. there was no tendency to even feel sexual. yet at that time it doesnt seems like anything was wrong with me. i thought i was just trying to let time pass.
of course there was no end to the black hole im throwing myself into.

irc was just a beginning.
and soon i was getting bored of the roleplays or the dirty chats. afterall the unhappiness inside me was building up day by day...