[moonlove]

Virtual Double Life

Having a double life is never easy. (i realised that more and more as i grew older.) But at that time, in my teens, even having a virtual double life wasn't easy.

I had to be the decent and obedient daughter at home due to what happened in the family. although all of a sudden i had all the freedom i ever wanted, but i was still struggling. And i had to be the bubbly friend to my friends. No one knew about what happened between me and H. No one was supposed to know anyway. All they knew is there was a huge age gap between us and things werent supposed to work out. So in front of them, i had to pretend like "oh, u r right..".

I'd hang out with friends and spend time with family in the day or night, and once I'm home and alone in my room, i was hooked onto the virtual world. and IRC seems to be the best place to release all the pent up frustration. The best place to release all the mixed emotions i was feeling at that time.

It'd didnt really occur to me that H was the root of the problem. I just felt like everything happened all at once and i was at a total loss. leaving H just made things worst. I lost the last tinge of physical intimacy i had. (i was already drifting apart from my family). At least during the months when i was with H, i felt needed when he needed me. I felt warmth when we were intimate. He liked me to serve him, and i liked serving him. We are in no way in a master-slave relationship, but I was in a give and no take relationship. But i was ok with that. Because i had believed that was what love was supposed to be like :

You do whatever the person you love wants you to. No asking nor questioning. Be it something you can accept, you cant accept, just do it if you love.

It wasnt till much later in life that i realised that mindset was ridiculously crazy. But at that age, it was like a fairytale. And H was the perfect guy i ever imagined despite all the issues.

When i finally lost that last human touch, (i had friends and i had my family, but it just doesnt work that way sometimes, its just not enough) i started developing the habit of self destruct and degrading. But i wasn't ready to just go out and find someone to have sex and ruin my own life. My logical mind was still part of me even though i really wanted to do so. Partially probably because im not confident enough to do so either i guess. (but to start sex at a later age, till now ive no regret.)

But IRC soon got boring for me.
I didn't really know what was the kick anymore.
Roleplaying. Chatting dirty. Everything seems like a repeat of yesterday. And i was getting bored, getting unhappy all over again.

"What are you wearing now?"
"What size are your breasts?"
"a/s/l? ht/wt? got pic?"
"want to roleplay? sis/bro dad/daughter teacher/student classmates?"
"wanna phonesex?"

everyday, different people asks the same question in different channels. I started developing yet another habit. to cut people off after getting them high.

to disconnect once they are so into the chat that they started asking for number (there was no line or wechat, so phonechat or sms was the most epic form of communication.) or to disconnect in the midst of an entertaining roleplay that is obviously giving the stranger on the other end of the chat a hard on.

i was good with my words. (at least at that time i was good with my english lah).

and i was also good at leaving strangers high and dry. occasionally when i was in the mood, i'd ask for the other party's number, call with my landline with no number display, moan for a seconds to make him happy and hang up, disconnect, disappear. god was fair to me, he didnt give me a good face nor body but he gave me good voice. my bestie was always saying i had the voice of a sex call operator but the face of a horrible prankster. (who knows, maybe some of u here did get calls from me over a decade back heh. the world is small.)

finally i got bored. my friends got bored of irc too. and i got bored of the aimless dirty chats or roleplay. i went back into my own shelter mode and started hiding in my own world again. everyday i was unhappy, especially whenever i pass by H's place, which is nearby my own place. that got me feeling even worst. but i was bored of irc and it doesnt make me feel good anymore. so i had to stay w the unhappy me.

and as a close friend went overseas to continue her studies, we started using skype.

initially, i did not know there was a function to search for strangers.
initially, i thot skype was just for friends.
initially, i didnt know skype could be used for video calls.

i didnt know that was going to start me on another phrase of self destruct. that would bring much more damage den irc did.