[kiasusam]

After that Faithful day, we continued with our lives. Everything seems to be in where it should be. Running smoothly without hiccups.

Kate and I got married a couple of years later and set up our own small business, life is stable and sustainable. We travelled when we could, sometimes with Faith and the gang but nothing happened.

Day in day out and after a few years our business expanded. We got even busier. Yes, life became easier. However, we felt something was still missing.

We decided to complete the family. Tried for a couple of months and she was pregnant but had a miscarriage into the 2nd month of her pregnancy. It is a natural way for the body of rejecting bad fetus; we consoled ourselves. Tried again and again but still in vain after 6 to 7 months. We were very sad but never had the thought of giving up.

In March 2012, Kate bore me a beautiful boy. His arrival has made our family complete. Renovated a room as his cozy cove, buying all sort of miniatures stuffs. Tiny shoes, tiny socks, tiny shirts but it was underused. Kate would not let the little one sleep on his on. The idea of him climbing out of his cot and fall changed her mind. Our love nest also became a little toy house. Everyone is so happy especially our parents. He is indeed our bundle of joy.

With things now revolving around the baby, it took a toll on our sex life. During Kate’s pregnancy, I dared not touch her, with the memory of her miscarriage still lingers. We stopped doing it from the day we knew about her 2nd pregnancy till our boy was around 8 months young. With our angel sleeping in our room, we don’t feel at ease to do it. Moreover, everyday after work and taking care of the baby, we are always tired and slept early.

How do I ease the urge in me? I do it myself or ask for contacts in here for a quick rub on my shoulders and my southern dweller. I do not fuck outside.

After 1 year and 5 months since her pregnancy, we went to NZ with a very close buddy and his fiancé for their wedding photo shoots without our boy.

I was bathing in the hotel while Kate was ready for bed and getting cozy under the quilt watching NZ channels. It did not cross my mind that we would be having sex that night. So, in the toilet, I whipped out my iPhone and started surfing the pornography video website a friend just recommended, I masturbated.

I came out, climbed onto the bed and slipped under the quilt in my usual pyjamas, birthday suit. Kate came close to me, cuddling me and kissing me all over while tickling my balls. I had an instant hard on. I missed her tender lips on me. We went into a sexual frenzy. She disappeared under the comforter and my dick met up with her mouth like old-time flame reunited. She was really high that night. After less than a minute of blowing, she climbed back on top of me and started her rocking aggressively.

Before giving birth, her vagina was usually very hugging and wrapped around my dick with the right tightness but…now I cannot feel anything.

I don’t know why, the scene of the doctor snapping her vagina for my boy to exit started to flash back. I did not witness the cutting but I saw her blood squirted out and splashed on the doctor’s surgical apron. Till now, I still remember the snapping sound “snap…snap”. 2 snaps.

Go to any pasar malam and buy a pack of muah chee (rice cake topped with pounded peanuts) and listen to the ”snap snap snap”. That is exactly what I heard in the delivery ward.

“Ok, I need you to push now. On the count of 3, 1…2…3, push! Again, push…push…push. I can see the head now. Last push…push,” the doctor said.

I literally heard it again and again in my head.

I could not concentrate and maintain the hardness required for intercourse. I kept saying sorry to Kate. That night I became worried and could not sleep.

Another chance came when a friend invited us to attend their wedding in Bali. Determined to have a fruitful trip with Kate, I came up with some excuse to persuade Kate not to bring our boy and I did not touch myself for a week prior to the trip. However, the trip also ended up in non-ejaculation.

What has happened to me? Is Kate no longer attractive to me? I still love her a lot. She and the baby is currently the most important people in my life. I’ll die to let anything happen to them. But why? Why am I not able to have normal sex with her like before?

I had been thinking what to do. Talked to close buddies. They asked me to seek the help of a psychologist but I am reluctant to do that. Most nights, in my bed, I looked over to Kate, I felt helpless.

Until that day, Faith came to sleep over and things started to change.