[adviseme]

Do skip my post if you are not interested but please do not flame me. I am just a desperate woman with nowhere to turn to.

I have been reading some threads from this forum and have been touched by the sincerity of some brothers here and how they offer their help and advice unconditionally. I do not want to go to some cosy forum of weepy women who talk about women's rights. I need advice from the more "mature" crowd who may have gone through my situation and can give me proper advice, from a male perspective, no matter how much pain it might cause me.

Pardon me if this is lengthy but I believe that a full picture is required before any advice can be given.

Me (39) and husband (41) do have our share of ups and downs, having struggled with a 5 yo son. But things have been better now because son is older and less dependent on us. We hardly have any disagreement cos he is always busy at work and I try not to waste our precious time together fighting over trivial issues.

He started his cold treatment towards me for almost 18 months. I believed him when he said it was because of work as he still was the responsible father and husband although he minimised physical contact with me. Sex was at best twice a month and the last time we did it was 2 months ago. I am not an unattractive woman. I jog and work out regularly and have been accosted by men in the gym.

I have tried to talk to him about the cold treatment but he denied problems. Just told me not to think too much. 6 months ago, he finally told me he doesnt feel the same anymore, but denied that there was anybody else. He said he was staying on because of our son. Despite the hurt, I continued to try to make it work. Put up with his cold shoulder, tried to spend more time with him etc. Our relationship had been cordial, share jokes, have meals together, go out as a family etc.

He finally came clean today. He has been sleeping with a colleague for almost a year now. She is also married, with a young child, has no problem with her husband. He told me that I have been a good mother and wife and there was no push factor for his affair. He said they were compatible as they have the same character. He does not expect to marry her but decided to come clean as he is tired of hiding and lying.

I cried but did not lose my composure. Maybe his months of indifference has prepared me for this. I calmly sat down with him and offered him 2 alternatives:

1. split up with her, and we go for counselling. I know I need help to get over this betrayal as much as he needs help to overcome this.

2. he move out, we file for divorce.

He cried with me but told me that it was too late. He told me that even if I have him physically, I cant have his heart cos even though he still cared, he doesnt love me anymore.

My world fell apart.

I still love him, despite everything and am willing to forgive and move on. I also do not want to hurt my son with any selfish action on my part. However, the other half of me told me to let him go and that I deserve better than a dysfunctional family like this.

The strange thing is, after the emotional discussion about arrangements (he will find a place and move out within 2 weeks) we hugged and cried together. I told him to indulge me just this once and he actually made effort to hold my hand and my waist when we went for dinner together.

I am lost. As he lay there sleeping soundly next to me (no we did not have sex prior to that) I tossed and turned. I cant sleep. I cant let him go. I know deep inside his mind, he still cared for me and for the family. He is just clouded by this unattainable love. I am even contemplating taking him back and wait out his affair.

What should I do?

I am really sorry that this post is so long. So sorry but I really need advice.