[Phantom]

I am a fucked up individual.

Anything that I post that has contradictions with I have said at any other time, please refer to the first sentence.

Basically, thread is just to talk/share my thoughts and feelings regarding sex. Participation is welcome.

I am a male, I have needs. I pay to have those needs fulfilled, nothing wrong there. Only problem is that it is just not as fulfilling as making love.

Paid Sex. She comes, she services you, gives you a good or bad time. Time is up, you pay her. Till the next session.

Making love. She comes, you put your arms around her, kisses her on the lips, tell her how much you miss her and how much you want her. She lets you do things to her that she would not let anyone else do even for a million dollars. And you are the only one in the world she will allow to. And you savour her body, her kisses, her willingness to please you, your gladness that she is yours and yours alone. And you just keep needing her, wanting her and she feels your need and does all that you want to fulfill it. That for me is making love. There is more, but these will suffice.

I wish I could make love with someone again. Having sex releases the urge but does not do anything to quench the emotional, mental and other parts of me. But I tire of the commitments, I need to be able to do what I want, when I want, without any restrictions. Fuck me, not really, I messed up bad and lost a girl few years back and I went hell free on paid sex. I got too fucking jaded to go after anything else again. True, I do not want to deal with the commitments that comes with a relationship anymore, I am too tired, too antipathic to deal with those anymore.

Bah, how I got to be how I am is not important. Everyone messes up relationships, I just have a exceptional talent for messing it up big time.

And back to sex related stuff.

Stepping into the paid sex scene, sometimes you unwittingly hope to recreate the feel of making love. I have had FOC sex before with commercial girls, it was good but I think I somehow fucked those up too. Don't exactly remember how. Anyways, not exactly going to go to the lengths and be serious. But the fucking commitments, the duty to care for her, meh..... if you all get what I mean.

As I try to go for the feel of making love, I keep going for paid sex to look for it, simply cause I am too fucked up to involve myself in another relationship. And it is not there, not even a pale shadow of it cause at the back of your mind you know better. But if a heroin addict can't get himself any heroin, he'll settle for anything else, as I do. I do not want to be in another relationship but still I need to make love and........repeat this paragraph.

Yeah......I am a fucked up individual.

P/S : I am not depressed, just musing on the irony of my mindset and sharing it out.