[analog]

Madam Purple:

Have taken what you said and broken it up a bit. See below

"To answer yr qn- I am an woman. But take note that every women react differently to situations like these."
And every man reacts different to the play ground being closed as well. Some can take it for a very long time, some leave after a month, some just get a mistress. We're all individuals.

"I've have tried marriage counselling prior to my divorce, but my focus wasn't on the intimacy part then. But given the same scenario, if my ex were to tell me that one of my wifey duties is to have sex with my hubby, I may not agree totally."
Then what is your duty? He had and propbably still has plenty of guys friends, we all do. Men do not get married for friendship, they already have that. They get married for intimacy with a woman. If there is also friendship that happens, that is great but its not the main motivator for a guy, sex is. Now, you can sugar coat this with lots of pretty metaphors and what not but when you boil away the fat, what's left is what I said, its true. Men marry for sex.

"Deep in my heart I'll prob be think- damn, I've spend x years of my youth with u, bore u kids, take care of u and the house etc, and all u can think of its just sex ???"
Ok, this is 'boiler plate' western raised women speak.
First, sex is not all he thinks of but, you are is wife. Aren't you the one he's suppose to be thinking of in terms of sex? Why are you not flattered? Think of all the women whose husbands don't want to touch them anymore, yours did and how did that work out? Isn't it romantic for him to want you? When you were courting you used this 'wanting' to your advantage, no? It all depends on how you look at it. I'd caution you on taking the western liberated female line on this stuff because that leaves you old and alone.

You bore him kids. Hmmmm......
Ok, I'm going to drop a bomb here but as I've already stated life is messy and so is the truth so here it is.
Ladies, every woman can have kids. Believe it or not, that DOES NOT make you special, it makes you the same as every other woman. Its what you are doing when you are NOT in the delivery room that makes you special, the delivery room makes you the same. And, lets also point out one more reality, YOU also wanted the kids. Now, if you want to tie yourself up in konts and drive yourself crazy, go ahead and think like this, its a free world.

"Likely it will make me angrier and felt so unappreciated."
Unappriciated? Your husband wants to have sex with you, not the neighbour, not the PYT across the street, but with you and you feel unappreciated? Up to you purple.

"Yep, it's part and parcel of marriage life, I do not deny that."
No, its not. For a man it IS married life. Put down the cosmopolitan magazine and wake up. Its important for men to appriciate that woman don't think like men but it is also important for women to appriciate that men don't think like women. He married you for sex which leads to a family which leads to a nice life together. Sex is the glue that binds it. No sex, it falls apart.

"But this can only happen if my mind is willing., and i am ready. Dont expect it to be like before immediately, give some time allowance. For many women (yes, many.), our priorities changed once kids arrive."
We are all aware of that.

"Maybe it's a shift of priorities / motherly instinct etc that kids well being comes first. It does not mean that there is no more love / lesser love towards the hubby."
Wrong. I've already explained to you, if you don't have sex with your husband, in his mind, you do not love him. Its that simple. Maternal love to your children is not the same as the love for your husband. Look, if you take the westernized feminazi point of view on this, the human race is finished. Both of my grandmothers had 8 kids. Do you really believe my grandfathers wooooed them, got them in the mood, poured wine, put on a romantic Frank Se$$$$$ album, etc. Are you kidding? They lived on farms with no electricity, washed clothes by beating them with sticks, read by candle light, clothed babies in old men's shirts, milked cows at 5am etc.... They had NO modernized amenities like running water, flush toilets, washing machines, vacumes, disposable diapers, etc....and yet, they had eight children. You don't get eight children by holding hands. Did my grandmothers moan and groan about shifting priorities? Moan about hormone levels? They had those children because they made love to their husbands because that is what a wife does. That is how it is.

"Not that case. Hormonal or what, maybe. At this point of time, the focus will be on other things, children, career, housework etc. The need for sex changed to something that is less needed."
For you yes, for husband no. If you don't have sex with him, in his mind, you don't love him. Its simple.

"A counselling session may work for some as I've mentioned earlier, Can try, but take note of the risks of being backfired. Double edge sword, it may break or mend the missing part in the couple's life. Congrats if it's successful, only you guys know whether yr wifey is the receptive kind. Sex only come when the moment, feeling is right, the need is there. Ultimatum or not, its yr choice. "
Nonsense! If you're at couselling its already broken dear. If things were fine, you wouldn't be there. You either mend up or head to the lawyers.

"Spend some time having a real heart to heart talk, don't jump into the sex part yet."
That is what the cousellor facilitates. They get you talking.

"Talk abt the younger carefree days before marriage, the beautiful memories you both shared and how u would like to grow old with her. Make it touching and romantic as much as possible. Nvr ever grumble abt how deprived or upset u r with her for the lack of sex."
There were times when my wife didn't let me touch her for 15 months at a stretch and I put up with it. I'm embarrassed about that even today. No sex for 15 months is FUCKING BULLSHIT!!! It should have been divorce but I stuck around until my head exploded and the rest is history. Never grumble about no sex? Agree, straight to couselling or divorce court. I would never put up with the shit I did again, NEVER.

"If the feeling is right, intimacy will come to u, and if u r successful, then talk abt the conditions on how u would wish to have it x times a week etc. It goes a long way."
If the feeling is right? PUT THE COSMO DOWN, will you? The feeling was right for both my grandmothers? Oh really? The feeling? This is real life, not some sort of story book.....the feeling? Oh man.....

So you think sex in marriage is optional? Is breathing optional too?

You're divorced sis, and this may sound mean but I can see why. Not that your X was any sort of angel, I'm sure he wasn't but from what you've written here.....its better for you both.

Pretty hard hitting stuff but Cheers anyway,
Jim